Understanding Healthy and Unhealthy Communication

What does healthy communication look like? For many of us,we may have had childhoods where our parents did the best they could but theydid not teach us what healthy communication looks like. This blog is intendedto help you understand what healthy communication looks like from apsychological perspective.

First let’s look at some examples of what UNhealthycommunication is.

1.    Not listening to the other person with theintent to be curious and non-judgmental about their perspective, but insteadhalf listening while you prepare your response in your head.

2.    Trying to convince the other person that yourperspective is the “correct” perspective and theirs is wrong.

3.    Blaming them for your response or choicesinstead of communicating what you are feeling in response to what they said ordid.

4.    Guilt-tripping them by pointing out all of thethings that they have done to fail you or not meet your expectations, needs orboundaries.

5.    Not having a clear understanding of your needsand boundaries and passively expressing them. For example, I am not feelingwell and am going to lay down. Please let this go. Instead of saying, I am notfeeling well and do not have capacity to finish this conversation. Let’s finishthis conversation tomorrow, when I have had time to rest and can think moreclearly.

6.    Invalidating the feelings of the other person bysaying you are not responsible for their feelings, they are too sensitive, theyare over-reacting, etc.

7.    Making jokes about some aspect of theircharacter, personality, background, beliefs, body, etc.

8.    After making a joke about some aspect of them,telling them they are too sensitive and that it is just a joke, when theyexpress feeling hurt by your humor.

9.    Raising your voice and talking over them.

10.  Threateningto do something to them or withhold something from them. For example, saying youdon’t care about us so I am not going to tell you if something happens to us.

11.  Criticizingor accusing them of doing something intentional. For example, accusing them ofnot caring about you because they attempt to set a boundary, or telling themthat the why they are helping isn’t good enough.

12.  Continuingto bring up past mistakes or choices the other person has made as a examples ofhow they are somehow not good enough or not able to meet your needs.

Now let’s look at what healthy communication lookslike

1.    Listening to the other person’s experience andperspective with curiosity and non-judgment with the intention to try andunderstand why they think or feel as they do, while understanding that theirexperience and perspective may be different from yours but is equally validbecause it is based on their past experiences, beliefs and values.

2.    Reflecting back what the other person has saidbased on your understanding to let them know you heard them, and to clarify ifyou have understood them.

3.    Expressing curiosity about the other person’sperspective by asking questions when you do not understand their perspective untilyou fully feel you understand why they feel the way the feel and what they areneeding from you. Only then, should you share your experience of the situation.

4.    Expressing your feelings and experience using an“I statement” and focusing on your own feelings, while being curious about theconnection your feelings might have to past negative experiences. For example, Ifeel sad because this interaction is reminding me of the way my ex-husband usedto communicate with me and it brings up feelings that I am not lovable.

5.    Expressing with compassion and non-judgment whatyou need from the other person and the behavior or words that triggered yourfeelings to arise. For example, I know that you probably did not intend this,but when you brought up my past mistakes and told me I wasn’t doing enough tohelp you, I felt unappreciated and criticized for the ways I have attempted tohelp you and that triggered a part of me that feels like it needs to defend myactions and choices. This triggers my wound that I am not good enough. Bybringing up my past mistakes, what are you trying to say you need from me?

6.    Once, both parties have expressed their feelings,experiences, perspectives and have expressed what they need or what theirboundary is, it is necessary for the other person to respect a boundary if ithas been set and then collaborate to find a way to meet both people’sunderlying need. If the request to meet a need is not something the otherperson feels they can do, it is important for both parties to accept thatboundary and then work to meet that need for themselves. For example, a personis feeling sad and wants to process these feelings with their spouse, but theirspouse is stressed from a hard day at work. The spouse might say, I do not havecapacity to support you right now. I love you and your feelings are valid. Ican talk with you about this tonight at 7pm after I finish work and have timeto do some self-care. Then I’ll have capacity to support you. This means thesad spouse will need to do some self-care of their own or seek out anothersupport system.

Anexample of a healthy interaction might look like this:

1.    A person is struggling with health issues andthey are feeling overwhelmed. They have an upcoming surgery and they would likea family member to come help. They might state: “I am feeling overwhelmed andscared because I am having health issues and have a surgery next month. Do youthink it would be possible for you to fly here to help support me emotionally,drive me to and from the surgery, and provide some post-surgery support, as thedoctor anticipates that I might need some help.”

2.    The family member being asked is not able totake time off work for financial reasons but feels they could come assist, withthe understanding that they will have to work some hours while they are there.They might set this boundary by saying: “I’d be happy to help. Here is what Iam capable of doing-I can arrange to take you to and from the surgery and canbe available between 9am-2pm. I will need to work between 2-9pm. However, if thereis an emergency, please let me know and I can make arrangements to beavailable.”

3.    This might trigger feelings in the other person becausethey were hoping the family member could be available all hours. They mightfeel like the family member doesn’t love them enough to take time off work. Theymight state: “I appreciate your willingness to come help but I feel sad andconcerned that I might need more help than you are saying you can provide. Thisis triggering a part of me that feels unlovable. Is there any way you can workless to be available for me in case I need you?”

4.    This might trigger feelings in the family memberwho was asked to help of not being appreciated for what they are able to do, orthey might feel like their boundary is not being respected. They might state: “Iunderstand why you feel sad and concerned that I might not be able to help asmuch as you might need, because it is true, I might not be able to help as muchas you need. I also understand why this might trigger a part that feels unlovable.I love you very much. I am sorry that I am not able to take more time off tohelp more. It is valid that you would like me to work less so I can beavailable in case you need me. I want you to know I’d love to be able to takework off to be available all hours, however, at this time, I need to work whileI am there. I know this is not your intention, but I feel a little unappreciatedfor what I am able to help with. This is triggering a part that wants to defendmy boundary. I hope you can understand, that at this time, I need to work whileI am there supporting you, however, I am able to help between 9am-2pm daily,can drive you to and from the surgery, and can make myself available in an emergency.”

5.    The person might still be disappointed, sad andconcerned that they will need more help, but they can understand the familymembers needs and that they family member does love them, so they might say. “Iunderstand that you need to work and I appreciate the help that you are able togive. I am sorry if I gave the impression that I wasn’t respecting yourboundary or appreciating what you are able to do. Thank you for agreeing tohelp.”

6.    Both parties would then spend time attending tothe parts of themselves that were triggered by any number of self-carepractices. For example, they might practice mindfulness, seek support from amental health therapist, seek support from other friends or family members,meditate, do breathe-work, comfort themselves, repeat a loving kindnesspractice, or mantras, etc.

As you can see, communication is tricky as both parties havetheir own experiences, beliefs, values, and perspectives. These can triggerfeelings and bring up wounds from past experiences. Conflict happens whenhealthy communication breaks down and a wound takes over and leads to one ofthe unhealthy communication patterns. It is very difficult for any human beingto stay in healthy communication patterns when the other person is reverting tounhealthy patterns.

Be kind to yourself as you work to recognize unhealthypatterns within your own communication. Be patient as you work to heal yourunderlying wounds and shift your communication to healthier ways of communicating.Be patient with others if they are willing to work on this with you. However,if a person in your life, continually refuses to work on their role inunhealthy communication pattern, it may be time to evaluate if thisrelationship is a healthy one for you to stay in.

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